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I am messed up,

in my mind,

feeling so lost and out of time.

So find me a voice,

give me a choice,

open these eyes,

my heart s blind.

I loose my self,

over and over.

�DONT Wake me up, because i am sober.

I have been trying to keep up .. make sure I had time to write in my blog but being that I work two jobs one that keeps me up all night long ..and the other babysitting and very active little one its hard to find the time to sit and get a a clear thought in my head ... all my thinking usually goes .. damn I need to clean this and that or get this done and one of those is sitting down isnt usuallly an option .. but hey here is my two cents for today ,,, yeah I have been trying to make sure that in my head that I tell myself that this walk is my exercise no matter how long or short it is .. since I do alot of walking already I'm just trying to wire my brain to think of it as exercise instead of just a way to get from one place to another .. cause I'm always on my feet but it dosent count as exercise cause i wasnt telling myself it is .. when I do .. I do try to go a bit farther .. a bit faster concentrate on my breathing gauging how well im doing ... the kids like me bening a bit of a nut so walking around the block or two instead of just going straight home when I drop of my daughter at school .. the only problem I have right�now is the weather isnt quite as cooperative as I would like it .. sweating in the rain isnt too good if I want to stay well enough to take care the house, kids and my job .. so its changes to speed how fast can I move my body,,, while pushing two kids in a stroller .. weight training there ... they arent all the lite you know .. so what bugs the most of myself is when I feel like im doing pretty good .. the clothes are a bit looser on me .. have to wear a belt now but then I let my guard down and sit down ,,, you know relaxed and such and I look down and see this big belly just staring up at me .. and I feel� like such a loser and get pissed all over again .. but hey what can I do but use my feelings and try to get myself moving again .. anyways if you are in the same boat as me .. then I say to you .. one day at a time ... C-Ya

The wind whisles through her hair,

Releasing the pain she can no longer bare...

Slowly dying like that old red rose,

As she walks towards the gallows....

-Sportygirl15

���� Well, Its been awhile since my last entry.� The roomies are about to move out.� I just havent had the consistency that I�needed out of them...and I have had my fill of animals here lately.� they have a boxer that drives me crazy because it likes to piss all over my carpet.� Whenever they move out, they wont have to worry about my carpet...I WILL.� Even though I need the money that they DO�give me, I am ready to have my own house back!� So begins a new chapter...what I really need is a good woman who is responsible to live with.� NO MORE�CASUAL�ROOMMATES!

家有男儿初长成

今天是敦敦12周岁的生日，身为老娘我觉的应该写点东西当做为生日礼物送给这个‘年轻人’。

�

孩子我要告诉你，妈妈这一辈子最大的快乐是把你带到这个世界上来。我最满足的成就是让你做一个幸福的小孩。我不是一个完美的妈妈，你也不是一个完美的小孩，但我们是完美的母子。12个春秋冬夏，你给我的快乐远远超过我给你的幸福。

Well i guess its been awhile since ive updated this thing..

Ive learned alot in the past year..

dont get into a relationship with a man who keeps downgrading your wants and needs..

Dont settle.. absolutely no damn settling.

My current relationship is as rocky as mount rushmore.. yet i keep trying and he continues not to try...

he even thinks i dont kno what kinda bullshit hes been up to lately online.. i keep seein this damn craigslist thread for encounters on his screen... for the past 3 weeks and i asked him about it and hes like,.. im laughing at these ppl who are lookin for ppl online.. motherfucker dont play me.. you dont log in that damn often every damn day to look at ppl.. fuck that..

so.. ive been looking for places with and without him..

i have needs wants and desires too.. and right now none of them are being met..

he keeps handing out ultimatums.. ill have one soon.. and it will be final

mesha is moving to the beach this summer.. imma love it.

with or without him.. yes i prefer with.. but i can do bad by my got dammed self.

Im tired of the shit.. the constant his way or the highway..

Ive done it by myself.. and was happy..

im doing it with him and all i am.. is angry.. sad or distraught.

He dosent even seem to care that he just picks little petty ass arguements..

maybe hes just trying to be a dick.. so that i can leave him.. so he wont feel bad..

maybe...

maybe i will..

We went a month and a half without sex..

i havent had any oral since.. he got back from annual training last year!

nevertheless..

i still stay..

when he isnt.. and has not forfilled any part of this relationship in a long time.

Promises of a better tomorrow never to come..

hopes of a future that dosent exist..

imma grow up.. get out.. and get married and have somebodys kids..

at least they will actually want those things with me..

i mean he dosent even want those things..

not even for me.. with me.. nothing..

the only future he can promise me.. and has promised me was him in a casket and me a fat check when its all said and done..

fuck the money.. i can only live once..

in life youhave one shot to give it your all.. and im not going to miss out because he wants to be everyones hero besides mine.